Stop Making Excuses & Start Making Changes.

Have you ever noticed yourself constantly making excuses for the man in your life? Saying things like, “he’s usually not like this,” “he couldn’t come to my birthday because he already had a guy’s night planned,” “he apologized after doing that, we’re fine””I know he loves me, he just has a weird way of showing it.” These excuses happen all too often to wonderful women who deserve a man who will treat them right and be there for them when it counts. If your close friends and family start to ask you questions about your partner, it’s probably because they see that you deserve more than what he is giving you.

A man who is truly worth your time will never behave in a way that will make your loved ones wonder if he is good for you or not. He will constantly show everyone with his actions that he cares about you and puts in the same effort you do into the relationship. Remember, a relationship is a two-way street. If you are not putting in the work with him, it doesn’t seem fair that he does with you and vice-a-versa. However, too many times it’s the woman doing everything possible for the relationship to work while the man sits back and enjoys the ride.

If you notice the man in your life is slacking and you are feeling unsatisfied, first look at your own behavior and make sure you not acting the same way. So many times the behavior of the men in our lives is a direct reflection of our own behavior. Once you’ve thought about this then analyze exactly what it is that hurt your or is bothering you. Is it that he showed up for your birthday but didn’t do anything special? Is it the fact that you constantly have to drive to meet him and you’d like him to pick you up? Does he call you his girlfriend and not introduce you in public as his girlfriend? It could be anything, big or small. The fact is if you want to fix it, you have to talk about it. Have you ever heard the saying that marriage is just a very long conversation? This goes for every relationship in our lives, we have to communicate with our partners because most men cannot read minds. 

So, how do you go about this? You do not yell or start an argument, nobody reacts well to that and you lose credibility. Think of all of the things he does do and very well, if not you wouldn’t be with him. Sit and talk. Tell him what you do appreciate, the fact that he takes you out so much or that he came to your birthday dinner. Then tell him what is not making you feel special. “I love that we always go out to great places for dinner, but it’d make me feel really special if you came and picked me up.” or “I loved celebrating my birthday with you, but it would have made me feel even more special had you brought a thoughtful card or gift.” You get the picture… Let him know what you like and then tell him that something didn’t make you feel special or that it hurts your feelings. However you actually feel. Define that and say it, don’t text it.

Hopefully this approach opens up a healthy dialogue between the two of you. Do not go off topic and do not blame everything on him. Acknowledge what you could do better in the relationship as well and vow to work on it together. If your partner tells you that you are “crazy” or “expect too much” or “dramatic” or anything other than understanding and support, I suggest you take a step back to see how much this person or this particular thing you are asking of him is worth it to you. If he doesn’t respect your feelings on a small matter, it’s hard to imagine he will respect your feelings on something more serious. If you feel belittled and he makes you feel dumb then really think about if he is the type of person you want to be with in the long term. If he won’t take the extra 20 minutes to pick you up for a date then what else will he not do?

In my experience, I’ve always stood my ground. Sometimes the man feels intimidated or insulted and it takes him a few days to come around after he’s calmed down. But remember, actions speak louder than words. He may just start doing it without you saying anything. If so, be gracious and always say thank you when he does come to pick you up. Do not rub it in his face. He may apologize to you and say he didn’t realize that was important to you and then start to work on the issue. This is all great news. If he decides to stay the same and not do anything, maybe it’s time for you to take some action. If he complains and refuses to make any effort to make your relationship stronger, you may need to change your relationship status. Men will move mountains for the women they love. If yours can’t even open your door (and that’s what you want), he may not be as in love as you thought. And if there is a guy who is willing to give you as much love as you give him, wouldn’t you say you deserve at least that?

 

 

He “Likes,”But He Doesn’t Call

Social media has added an extra element of confusion for our entire society when it comes to dating. Before, a man would show his interest by picking up the telephone and calling you, then came the text messages which were usually sent before a phone call and now there are hundreds of impersonal ways for men to make our phones beep by ways of social media without actually having to call.

What does it all mean? So many times you meet a guy, or hey maybe you’ve never met and somehow you two connected on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, Vine etc. All of a sudden the guy starts liking your photos and videos, gives you a “heart” or “thumbs-up” maybe he is old school and “pokes” you. This continues, sometimes daily… for weeks. It’s extremely frustrating because you would think if he wanted to know what you were up to or wanted to hang out, he’d message you, BUT alas he doesn’t. I don’t think I’ll ever quite understand the entire reasoning behind this and while no man will EVER admit to this, I truly believe they are just plain scared. 

Being rejected can be a scary thing and what is easier than just liking dozens of girls on Instagram to see who bites? It’s a win win scenario for these men who hide behind their computer screens to e-flirt. They get to throw out a wide net and see who is left in the net after they have mass “liked” everyone who they find attractive’s photos. Honestly, what could be easier? Here is the issue, what if we actually like the guy or are interested in getting to know him and all we get are a bunch of “likes”? What is a girl to do? Well, we have experimented a little on some unknowing men who continue to e-flirt and tried several different tactics. We have ignored, we have liked back and we have tried sending a message. Here are the results.

1. Ignoring the likes. This usually results in the man “taking a hint” and leaving you alone. Of course, not all men are that intelligent, but most tend to assume that if you aren’t liking back, you aren’t going to pick up their phone call. (If it ever gets to that point.)
2. Liking back. This is usually the most successful tactic, however liking too much could result in the man also losing interest. A little “like” here and there never hurt anybody. The man then knows you are showing some interest and the e-flirting continues until someone gets bored and quits or he mans up and sends you a direct message.
3. Sending a direct message. This tactic is usually a little aggressive for my taste, but I do understand that some men are just extremely shy. It is hit or miss though. Some guys are into it and happy you messaged them first. This gives them the confidence to then ask you for your number or to go out. Other times they tend to ignore the messages completely.

Now, if you went on a date and he no longer calls or texts, but he does like everything on your social media account, ignore him. If he thinks that simply liking your photos is enough to hold onto you and keep you interested, he has another thing coming. He should either step up his game or you should move on to somebody deserving of your time. Remember, you are a wonderful woman who deserves to be loved, not just “liked.” 

Chivalry Isn’t Dead, It’s Critically Endangered.

You’ve heard it a thousand times, chivalry is dead. But, I’m sure you’ve experienced it at least once in your life time. A stranger who opens the door, a man who lets you in front of him in line. This means it is still alive, barely, but it exists. In the animal kingdom, this is known as critically endangered. It’s the list animals are put on before they go extinct. This list serves as a warning and a wake up call to the rest of the world that we are doing something wrong and we need save them. The same thing is happening to gentlemen. The question is, if most believe chivalry is dead, who is killing it? 

I was about to deplane my flight last week and as I was waiting to get to the aisle to grab my carry-on from the overhead compartment I noticed a man a few rows in front of me attempting to help a perfectly healthy and capable woman by taking down her bag for her. He casually said, “Hey is this blue one yours?” as he reached to take down the bag. The woman said extremely nervously, “Yes, but you don’t have to. I can get it. No, I feel bad, don’t worry about it.” The man replied, “It’s no problem at all.” He was smiling. He swiftly took the bag down and set it on the floor and let her walk in front of him so she could get off the airplane easily. She looked down at the floor a bit embarrassed, thanked the man and left.

After I struggled to get my own bag down, with no help, I made it off the plane and it hit me, it’s our fault. Women are killing off chivalry one kind deed at a time. We don’t even know how to accept a nicety (which is rare nowadays) when it is being offered to us by a man or a stranger. Instead, we fumble, say we can do it ourselves and don’t give them the chance to be polite. Then, we go out on dates and complain to our girlfriends that the man didn’t try to open the door. That same man may have just been rejected to take down a woman’s suitcase from his flight and figured that him being a gentleman only made women feel awkward. Now, you may think I am jumping to conclusions, BUT I have spoken to many men about this. When my fiance and I first started dating, he told me a woman yelled at him once for opening her door and said that she could clearly do it herself, that she didn’t need his “help.” Guess what he stopped doing? Opening doors. Guess who paid for that? Me! I had to tell him I was quite the opposite and LOVED it when men opened my door and just because one woman thinks that, doesn’t mean we all do. A friend of mine who is very traditional told me that when he was on a dinner date he used to stand up when the woman excused herself to go to the restroom. Key words, used to. Women called him “weird” and said they felt uncomfortable, so he stopped. I could go on and on and sadly, have dozens of examples of men trying to be chivalrous and women basically freaking out on them. Each time we freak out, we slowly but surely kill off the few gentleman that are left in the world. 

Why are we so uncomfortable with men being polite to us? I think it’s different for everyone. Sadly, I think most women simply aren’t used to it anymore. Times have changed. Others want to maintain their independence and believe maybe that chivalrous men means we are going backward. The saddest of all, many women don’t believe they deserve it. All of these thoughts are negative beliefs. Just because he opens your door does not mean that we are any less powerful, intelligent or capable than men. We can run for president (in most countries) and we can create life. Nothing will ever change that. And while we continue to progress and continue to work for things like equal pay and more seats in the boardroom, does that mean we have to throw manners out the window? Do you want the future generations living in a world where men and women no longer have basic manners? Do you want a man who isn’t willing to open your door or help another woman who may actually need it? Probably not.

So, next time a man offers to do something nice say thank you. Say that you appreciate it, say that was very kind. Don’t tell him you can do it, he doesn’t have to. Believe me, he knows you can do it and he knows he doesn’t have to. But if he wants to, you should let him. And one by one, maybe our gender can bring chivalry back to life and take it off the critically endangered list. 

 

What If He Doesn’t Call?

This is probably the most common question women ever ask me. They tell me about a first date or magical time they had with a guy and then say, “What do I do if he doesn’t call”? My answer is always the same, you do nothing. You don’t text the guy or start liking his pictures on Instagram, you don’t call him to make sure he is okay or send a work e-mail or block your number and see if he answers his phone. You simply write it off as a fun experience and continue on with your life without obsessing over him. It sounds easier than it is, but it will definitely help you to view these dates in a healthy way. No guy you just started seeing should have that much power over you, so the quicker you can realize that he just wasn’t for you, the more free time you have for the guy who is.

Why isn’t he calling? First of all, slow down. Our society is so impatient and used to getting things instantly that we believe our relationships should be instantaneous as well. Just because we have e-mail and Instagram and can get a message to anyone in the world within a split second does not mean that our hearts have also changed to work at that speed. Give him a few days to reach out again after a first or second date. Going on a date does not mean you are instantly in a relationship, so give him and yourself some space to digest your feelings. If he doesn’t reach out for weeks, it’s because he wasn’t interested in doing so. Why is he now reaching out weeks later? Probably because he was bored and saw your latest post on social media. Do you really want to be the girl who is the guy’s backup plan because he is bored? Probably not. Unless he has some extraordinary circumstances (like he lost his phone while on a boat in the Galapagos Islands and had no internet connection) I wouldn’t waste my time responding to him. If he never reaches out again, it just means he doesn’t want to hang out again for whatever reason. A lot of men don’t want to be “mean” so instead of just telling women why they aren’t interested they choose to be “non-confrontational” and ignore the entire situation. It can be very annoying for women because we like to pick everything apart, but once you accept this idea your life will get much easier.

Why shouldn’t I call/text him? We are living in the 21st century! I can’t argue that, we are living in the 21st century, but the one thing I can tell you is people never change. The reason Shakespearean plays still relate to us now 400 years later is because the story lines are still the same. Love, passion, betrayal, lies, rejection, obsession, power – these are all ideas he wrote about way before iPhone and they are the same plots we deal with in 2016. And since we haven’t changed much, it’s pretty safe to assume that most of the time men still want to be the hunters. Men usually can’t describe why, but something about being pursued is a huge turn off for them most of the time. They lose interest quickly and always want what they “can’t have.” This is human nature, not exclusive to men, but let them do the chasing. Some of the most attractive qualities a woman can have is confidence and self respect, if you are confident in yourself “the call” won’t affect you as much. If you respect yourself, you’ll set high standards and stick to them no matter what. Men will respect you for it and the good ones will step up to the plate. Just remember, if they don’t want to chase you, plenty of other men do. So, don’t get hung up on the one guy who didn’t call.

Here’s the best part of not calling: What if he does call?! Take the fear out of your heart and embrace the fact that if you had a great time, he probably did too. Stop self-doubting yourself and thinking something is wrong with you and that’s why he’s not calling. People have very complex personalities and most of us can’t read minds so we’ll never know the exact reason why he didn’t call. So, instead of criticising yourself remember that you are perfect. After that, call up a friend and do something fun! Enjoy your life! Don’t just sit waiting for your phone to light up. When he does call, it will feel so much better that he reached out to you instead of wondering if he was just being polite by responding to you. When he does call, answer and accept to go out on another date. It’s just that easy!

Happy Dating!

Single Serenity

Photo credit:@Esteacostarubio

Many women make their relationship status an extremely stressful topic. Society doesn’t help either. When you are single people are always asking why you are still single. Then they begin to sing your praises. They tell you how smart and attractive and kind you are and then say that you’ll find the right person someday. Don’t worry this never changes, when you have a boyfriend they ask when the wedding is. When you are married they ask when the kids are coming and on and on. It never seems to be enough, which is why we all have to learn how to be happy now in the present.

Do you know what it feels like to be completely happy with yourself, your life and your surroundings as they are currently? It’s finding the satisfaction in the now that will take you to the next level in your future. This doesn’t mean settling to being single forever, but it does mean having peace in your life no matter what. It means letting go of your relationship status and accepting the best parts of being single and the best parts of being you! 

Before you can possibly think about sharing your life with someone, think about what you are doing for yourself. How can you be happy with someone else if you aren’t in a serene and happy place while single? Ask yourself, am I spending enough time working on my body and my soul? What goals do I  have for myself long-term and short-term that I could start working on now? One of my goals had always been to start a blog/vlog about relationship advice. I put it off forever and finally after some amazing friends kept pushing me… here I am. Writing is good for my soul. Spinning is good for my body. These are just two of the things I love doing for myself. Nobody else reaps the benefits as much as me! The whole point of this blog is to help/inspire other women, but I guarantee you nobody gets more out of it than me. So, what can you do for yourself? My beautiful friend who so generously let me use her picture for this blog decided two years ago that she was going to start practicing yoga. It’s served her heart, soul, mind and body. It’s just one of the things she does to fulfill her life and because of everything she does to serve her soul, she only has room for the absolute best guy to come into her life. All of the other guys who aren’t worth it, never make it past the front door.

Being happy now starts with gratitude. Being grateful for what you have right this very minute will turn your day around. Sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed or stressed I look at the sky and take in a deep breath and I thank God I am still alive and breathing. Life is so amazing as it is, but you have to stop and remember that because it is very easy to fall off track. So many people didn’t make it to this day but you did, so say thank you and feel blessed because being alive is truly that, a blessing. Gratitude journals are also a great way to start and end your day. Every morning wake up and jot down three things you are grateful for at night write down three more. This can be running water, your mother, your new high thread count sheets that are helping you sleep better, anything you want! It’s okay to repeat things, our parents/family/friends are something we can be grateful for everyday! Soon, you’ll fill up a journal full of blessings. How amazing is that?

Remember that once in a relationship you do make sacrifices for the relationship and for your partner. Because love is such an amazing thing and you will only let yourself get into a healthy relationship you don’t feel the sacrifices as much. But, it’s important to remember that there is no rush to jump into a relationship just to be in one. It’s better to be single and truly at peace and in love with yourself and your life than in a bad relationship. Your single serenity will only help you in finding the right person because you will be in alignment with who you truly are and with what you truly want.

Namaste.

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

I can tell you from experience long distance relationships can be difficult, but they are not impossible. If you are considering dating someone who doesn’t live in your city or if you are just trying to find tips to make yours work, you have come to the right place. I have been in a VERY long distance relationship for more than two years and now we are getting married! (YAY!) Not only have we been in different cities, but different continents with cities that don’t have direct flights. This is even tougher because it takes a day just to see your loved one, but thanks to a lot of planning and commitment from both of us, we will finally be in what I like to call a “no distance” relationship.

Before you commit to someone who doesn’t live near you the first thing you need to do is make sure you are in a monogamous committed relationship! Some people start to “casually” date someone in a different city, but there is nothing casual about dating someone you can hardly see. I understand if you met a great guy on vacation and keep in touch, but if he isn’t avidly making an effort to see you and isn’t telling you that you are his girlfriend than I would keep my options open until that changes. Some men assume that you know that you guys are in a relationship, others who are more traditional may ask you to be in a relationship. So, if you have any doubt in your mind about your relationship status, just ask. Many people think this is awkward, but it’s much more awkward to find out he is seeing other people and assumed you knew that “thing” between you two wasn’t serious.

Once you know you are in  a long distance relationship, it is absolutely VITAL to always have a plan on when you will see each other next. This puts both you and your guy at ease, even if you won’t see each other for six weeks, I highly recommend already having transportation and a meeting point planned. My fiance and I had to go several weeks at a time without seeing each other because of our hectic work schedules, but at the end of our trip we would always start to plan the next time we’d meet. This keeps you motivated to keep a positive outlook on the relationship and always gives you something to look forward to. The worst thing is to not know if/when you’ll see each other. Your mind starts to play terrible tricks on you and can add even more stress on your relationship. When all of the travel starts to become too chaotic, try to do a trip somewhere new to spice things up. If you can afford staying in a hotel or  Airbnb for a romantic getaway  it’ll help both of you relax and get out of your usual rut. So, the moral of the story is to keep your word, stick to your plans as much as possible and try to meet in new places whenever possible.

Technology has changed the way we date and has even broadened who we can date. Now, you can Skype, FaceTime, Viber etc. with someone anywhere in the world as long as they have a decent WIFI connection. When you are in a long distance relationship communicating on a daily basis is absolutely key to staying connected as a couple.  Obviously, the best thing would be able to see each other in person or “real life,” but coming home after a long day and being able to sit and video chat is the next best thing. It helps to actually see the other person and know their surroundings, it makes you feel like you are home with them. Texting occasionally or a quick chat throughout the day is also very important. In a “no distance” relationship, you would probably touch base during the day once or twice so do the same in a long distance relationship. Personally, I think talking on the phone can actually make you closer because you have to communicate with your partner and you talk about things that may have not come up if you were physically together. So many times we are distracted by our smart phones or watching shows together that you don’t have as many deep conversations as you do in a long distance relationship, so in that sense it can be a huge plus!

After you have been dating for a while, it’s normal to want to know where things are headed. In a long distance relationship having a long-term plan on how you two will be together will be the glue that holds the relationship together. If you live in New York and he lives in L.A. you both have to decide whether someone is making the move across the country or if maybe you both want a fresh start in a new city. Either way, it’s smart to start researching your job industry and that city and whether you can really see yourself moving there. You also have to decide under what circumstances you would move. This is a very personal decision. Would you only move if you were getting married? Would you be willing to move to try living together? These are decisions only you can make. Before you pack your bags, quit your job and change your entire life make sure that the relationship is headed in the direction you both want it to and that you’ve had all of these conversations and made these decisions as a couple. If you willing to move to his city and your guy says he would never ask you to do that or isn’t thinking about marriage then I would stay put until the two of you are on the same page. Men are usually very direct and will tell you what they want or don’t want. You need to do what is best for you and ensure that you are not giving up your entire life for a guy who won’t be willing to commit down the road. If you decide to get married then happy house hunting!

Lastly, just like any relationship a long distance relationship involves sacrifice.  If the person is worth it and you think you two really have a shot at something great then it is absolutely worth it. Many of my friends have had successful long distance relationships that turned into solid marriages. If both people are putting in the effort it takes than you can absolutely make it work. If you are the only one putting in the effort and traveling, than he’s probably not the guy for you. Don’t ever sacrifice yourself for someone who isn’t willing to make sacrifices for you. But, if you do find a great guy who is going the distance for you it’s definitely worth a shot!

 

Five Step Guide to Getting Over an Ex

No matter what the circumstances, breakups are emotionally draining for all of us. It takes time to heal and to mourn the loss of any relationship, but there are some healthy steps you can take to help you get over your ex a little faster and come out stronger and wiser in the end.

Before following any of these steps, I think it’s important for you to reflect on why you broke up on the first place. Don’t dwell on these things forever, but make a short list on why things between you two didn’t work out. This will serve as a reminder for you to not try to get back into a broken relationship. If you look at your list and realize that you two broke up for no reason, stop reading this post, pick up the phone to grab a cup of coffee with your ex perhaps soon to be “non-ex.”

For those of you ready to move on… listen up.

Step # 1: Out of Sight, Out of Mind. This seems extremely obvious, but most people are hesitant to follow through with this very important step. It can be heart wrenching to take all of his pictures out of the frames and take the stuffed animal he gave you off of your bed, but believe me this is absolutely necessary. Anything at all that reminds you of him, hide it, throw it away or donate it. The best way to clear his energy from your space is to get all of his stuff out. If he has things at your house, get a box and pack them up for him to pick up while you are not home. I typically throw everything away that cannot be donated. Not everyone can part with or delete their “memories” with their ex, but believe me they can’t ever be erased from your mind. So, if you have a movie stub from your first date, put it in the recycle bin and move forward. If this still feels too difficult, put it all in a box and ask your parents/friends to keep it at their house. This way, if there’s something you think you’ll really want to look at later, it’ll be there. I guarantee you, you will move on to a better relationship and forget about the stuff that was once meaningful. Next time you want to think of that movie or past time you will  be in a much better place and you can look back with a smile on your face. For now, it’s time to clear all of the stuff out and look towards your future.

Step 2: Set Communication Boundaries. If you are texting or talking on the phone everyday, you haven’t exactly broken up. This can cause a lot of grief in the future because one of you thinks the relationship still has hope and the other starts seeing other people and inevitably you get hurt all over again. You broke up for a reason (see short list you wrote) which means although you still care for each other you should not be communicating frequently. Personally, I prefer not to speak at all until I have no feelings for the person. A clean break has always served me very well and the people who can do it also get over their ex much quicker because you automatically start filling up your time with things for yourself and for your future, but if this seems too hard tell your ex you’d like to still communicate via e-mail/phone once a week (AT THE MOST). After a month or two, make this less and less. If you don’t set boundaries, once a week will turn into twice a week and that will turn into daily conversations via text etc. and believe me, you will never get over him. If you continue to allow him back into your life he will always pop up right at the moment you’ve just about moved on and emotionally it can set you back months. If you don’t think you have the discipline to stick to the once a week rule, try a clean break or as a last resort block him on your phone, e-mail, social media etc. until you’ve had enough time to heal and get over him.

Step #3: Give Yourself a Reasonable Deadline. Deadlines can be extremely helpful when you are trying to get over someone. It’s normal to cry and not exercise or not want to be social for a certain period of time, but if you don’t snap out of it you will have a much harder time enjoying being single and you won’t be emotionally ready to get into a new relationship when the time comes. Everyone takes breakups differently, but if you can give yourself 3 days to cry, two weekends to not go out and just relax and only miss a few weeks at the gym you will be able to lift yourself back up in no time. The faster you can get yourself back into your routine, the faster you will start to feel better and realize there is an entire world out there to enjoy. Millions of people to meet and millions of reasons to be happy. Be grateful for what you have learned in your relationship and the many great memories you made and remember that the next one will  be even better. Take what you loved about this person and know that someone else will also have those amazing qualities and much much more! The next person will be even more compatible with you, so the sooner you can cry it out and get back into swing of things, the sooner you’ll be able to meet a better match.

Step #4: Filling your Time with Something New. When you’ve been in a long-term relationship for several months or years you don’t realize how much time you actually spent with your partner. The two of you had a routine, so after a break-up it’s normal to feel a void. This is a great opportunity to fill those gaps of time with new activities and hobbies you can do by yourself or with friends. Between work, family and errands you don’t always have a ton of time to spend on yourself especially when you have a partner. One of the most enjoyable parts of a breakup is when you realize you have time to try those things you never made time for before. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn a new language, take ballroom dancing, try yoga for the first time, go for a hike every Sunday morning! It can be anything you want that will add to your life! If you don’t know where to start try anything once and keep going to new classes with friends or alone until you find something you really love. The most important part of this is that you try something new and that you’re doing it solely for yourself. New activities force you to meet new people and get a new perspective on life. Things that involve learning and exercising also put you in a better mood because you are improving on yourself. And who doesn’t love a little self-improvement?

Step #5: Put yourself back on the market. It’s the last step and it can feel a bit scary, but if you followed steps 1-4 you will get back into the dating scene in no time. At this point, you are not emotionally attached to your ex,  you don’t feel dependent on them and you don’t feel the need to speak to them weekly. At this point, you should feel completely free and single. If you don’t, maybe you need a little more time before putting yourself out there. But, if you do then start going out with your friends and have fun meeting new people! Talk to your friends to see if they know anyone they can set you up with, if online dating interests you then set up a profile! This should be a fun experience because you are a new and improved version of yourself. The possibilities of meeting a great guy are endless and you are smarter, stronger and more independent than you were before. Now, you know what you want in a relationship. You know that you can survive heart break and that a breakup isn’t the end of the world. It’s only the beginning of something new.

 

Social Media Stalking – the Good, the Bad, the Ugly

Social media stalking – whether you admit it or not, we are all guilty of a quick (or sometimes not so quick) Google search, Facebook/Instagram/Twitter creep session after or even sometimes before meeting a guy. This has become extremely normal given that several generations are all on social media putting their lives out there for anyone to see. Usually we don’t think twice about getting someone’s phone number then adding them on social media, it’s actually a great way to stay connected, reconnect with old friends and even meet new friends. But, when it comes to dating, how should social media be used? When does it go from innocent “add” on Facebook to a full-blown investigation on the new man in your life? It’s time to face reality and go through the pros and cons of internet stalking.

THE GOOD – I am an avid user of several different social media sites and apps and I really love how the world is more connected because of them. When it comes to meeting new people and/or dating it actually has several benefits. The most important for me is safety. If you meet a guy on a dating app or just randomly at a bar it’s always nice to have a bit of a background check to see what this guy is about. I’m not saying this technique is fool-proof, but you can get an idea of what types of interests he has and see if there is anything that may seem a little off to you. Because so many of us post our daily thoughts online it can be a great way to know a little bit more about someone before you meet in person. As always, I highly recommend that blind dates take place in public and that the guy doesn’t know where you live. It’s just safer to get to know him better before disclosing too many details. On a less serious note, it’s also a nice way to see if you have friends or hobbies in common. Dating apps like Tinder are actually connected through Facebook so you actually get to see this information right when you are swiping left or right! If you have friends in common you can suggest going out as a group which is always fun, or if you see that you both love paddle boarding that’s an awesome idea for a first or second date. It also gives you a little more to talk about when you are on your first few dates, if you are both avid Game of Throne watchers (like me!) you automatically have something new to talk about and it’s an easy conversation starter for the both of you.

THE BAD – Okay, so we have to remember that what we see on social media isn’t actually real life. Usually we only post pictures when we look our best, are doing something really fun (like vacation) or the pictures are altered with filters and we look “Instagram Hot.” This usually isn’t what we look like (at least it’s not what I usually look like, ha!) and it doesn’t include the less exciting events in our day-to-day like work and laundry. So, when you do too much stalking you start to get your expectations up of the guy and when you get to know him you are let down that his life isn’t as fabulous as the three vacations he took last year and posted about on Instagram. It’s fairly normal, you see all of these amazing things, you start to make up a story in your head and then it turns out his story is nothing like his news feed. Usually, it’s better to get to know somebody’s life through their own words and actions. You may be making assumptions about him or his life that just aren’t true, which is not fair to the guy. Also, it’s a bit creepy when he wants to show you a picture of his family or his dog and you’ve already seen them all and know everyone’s name, birthday and occupation. Remember, it’s not cute to be creepy. 🙂

THE UGLY – When you’ve already done your astrology compatibility chart with a guy you met once (or never) it starts to become a little stalker-ish. This is when you know TOO much information about him and you are focusing too much time and energy on someone who isn’t you! Remember, we always want to better ourselves and when we start to focus on someone else it takes time away from our own personal development. Stalking people for hours does not come from a place of power. You are putting this guy on a pedestal when the one who needs to be on a pedestal is you! When you’ve read every tweet he’s posted since 2004, you are treading on thin ice to lose yourself and any opportunity of having a normal healthy relationship with the guy. While it’s good to be informed, it’s better to meet him and ingest information about him at a natural pace. You have all of the time in the world to get to know him later if the relationship continues, plus you are far too busy with your own life to be worrying so much about his.

Here are a few guidelines to know when you are crossing the line: 

1. Is it after midnight? If so, turn off your phone and go to bed!
2. Have you been creeping for more than 15 minutes? If so, Time to sign off!
3. Do you know his birthday or his mother’s name? You know too much!
4. Have you seen more than 50 pictures? Shut it down!
5. Did you screenshot a photo he did not personally send you? Erase!

 

 

He’s Perfect on Paper, but He’s Not for Me.

The “Perfect on Paper”(POP) man. He’s not as rare as we think he is. We probably have him or several men like him in our lives, but we never think of him in a romantic way because he’s most likely in the friend zone. Sometimes, women even force themselves to try him out and date him, but he’s just TOO perfect. For whatever reason, that’s a turn off to a lot of women. If you meet a “POP” you may say things like, “Ugh, he’s just SO nice,” “He bought me flowers, AGAIN,” “He calls/texts me everyday, I’m feeling suffocated!”

A “POP” usually has his life together. He has a degree, or several degrees, a great job, a great relationship with his family, the perfect apartment, the perfect dog, he treats you well, always checks-in, is a very considerate of your feelings, brings you soup when you are sick and on and on… Personally, this sounds great to me! I love POPs and find the stability of a POP very comforting. Now, there have been POPs who I just haven’t been interested in and just because of the fact that they are really nice and amazing guys I’ve given the relationship a chance, but all of my efforts were to no avail.

Sometimes these “good guys” seem so rare that women feel obligated to date them because they are “relationship guys” or “marriage material.” Now, I have a few theories of why things don’t always work out with these guys. However, just because a guy is very nice and seems “perfect” does not mean that you have to date him. I want to put that out there first, but I also believe some women automatically reject these men because they themselves are scared of commitment or how real a relationship could be with a real life POP.

Let’s start with the commitment-phobes. Okay, you may not actually be diagnosed with commitment-phobia, but because you’ve gone out with so many guys who say they aren’t looking for a relationship you just never expect to be in one. Then, when a POP comes along you don’t know how to accept his nice treatment or how to commit to a monogamous relationship when the time comes. The whole thing makes you feel uncomfortable and you blame it on the poor POP. Usually this fear comes in when the relationship starts to feel real and when you start to get used to having someone to lean on. Maybe you’ve been single for a while and you are so used to being independent that depending on someone else for emotional support terrifies you or maybe you think you’ll get used to that support and it’ll get snatched away so why even bother? If you find yourself in this position all you need to do is ask yourself if you are afraid of what comes with being in a relationship? If so, why? Or are you simply not that into this particular guy? Yes, so much stability can seem boring, but trust me a guy who calls you every three days may seem exciting until you get married and he disappears for days at a time. That excitement will wear off quickly.

Now, if you do find yourself dating a POP, do NOT try to force things just because you know that he is a nice person. First of all, POPs are not puppies. It is simply not fair for you to waste a man’s time just because you are hoping you can work things out and force yourself to fall in love with him. He is a man, probably a very smart man and will eventually catch on to the fact that you are just toying with him because you are bored or lonely or both. We as women should  not go “hunting” for men and try and trap the first person we can to marry us. This is very disempowering and not what love or relationships are about. I see this happening all of the time and it breaks my heart because at the end of the day, neither person in a forced relationship will be happy. You will not be truly happy if you are not in love and the guy will not have the love and respect he deserves and could have with another woman.

*On a side note, I don’t want to give POPs a bad reputation. They are also very exciting guys, especially because they are typically planners which means they’ll plan special moments or surprises for the two of you. They are also not men who can be easily manipulated or treated badly. They treat you with respect and expect to also be treated with respect. They are not actually perfect, this is why they are perfect ON PAPER. They have just as many flaws as the rest of us, but on paper, they have their lives “together.”

So, if you truly know a guy or a POP is not for you, don’t waste your time or waste his time. BUT if you are just too scared of the idea of being happy and having a real shot at your relationship, I’d say give it a try! What’s that Pringles’ commercial say? Once you POP, you can’t stop?! HA!

Have Faith.

Originally I had planned to write about something else today, but a friend inspired me when she texted me and said that she felt desperate about being single and had lost faith that she would ever find her soul mate. When she said that, I instantly knew how she felt. I remember going on a string of dates where I just wasn’t interested in anybody, or the times I dated guys I liked and it just not working out. Going out with my girlfriends and just not meeting anybody I liked, it gets frustrating. Some days you just think finding that person is almost as impossible as winning the lottery. And believe me, it’s a great analogy because when you do find that special someone,  you actually feel like you’ve won the lottery because you are SO happy! I know that millions of people go through this and start to give up on the idea that there really is a great match out there for them. So, today’s topic: HAVE FAITH! 

There are times when the dating pool can look desolate and you think that there aren’t any “good” single people left out there! That’s simply not true because if you are reading this you are probably single and you are also a great catch! So, that theory is dead because you exist! By having faith, I mean that you cannot give up on yourself or on your dreams of falling in love. Love is something far too important to give up on and so just like every other thing in life, it’s best to turn to something greater than ourselves. You don’t have to be a religious person, but if you are spiritual or believe in a higher being that means you already have some sort of blind faith. Now, it’s time to take that same faith and put your trust in whatever that higher being is for you and TRUST that the right person will come to you. They may not come to you in the exact shape or time frame you thought, but always know they are on their way. If you start to give up or believe otherwise, I guarantee you won’t ever meet anybody.

For that amazing person to come to you, you also have to be ready to receive love into your life. You have to be emotionally ready to receive a mature, loving and monogamous relationship. We all think that sounds easy, but so many times we block some of the most beautiful things that could be in our lives because we are simply too scared to accept them. Fear is the first thing that’s stopping you from the relationship you’ve always wanted. Fear that you’ll never have it, fear that once you get it you’ll lose it and worst of all fear that you don’t deserve it. We are all so scared of not having something, losing something or that we aren’t deserving of something that we scare ourselves into never actually going for it! It’s so much easier to say that you just haven’t found the one than admitting that you are so terrified of putting yourself out there and exposing your vulnerabilities that you never gave anyone the chance to get close enough to you to fall in love with you. It’s easier to block any potential of a real relationship with excuses of timing or distance than to jump into a relationship and risk the chance of having your heart-broken. Lastly, it’s much much much easier to assume nobody out there would love you because if someone else loves you that means you are deserving and that you also love yourself.

We are all deserving of love. We just have to step up to the plate and really start to believe it. Without that shift in perception, nothing in your life or your relationship status will change. Love from a partner won’t come to you until you truly love yourself. So how can we start to love ourselves more and have a little more faith? I was hoping you’d ask! 

Self-love Homework:

1. Write 5 things you love about yourself! (Anything! This should be easy!) 
2. For one hour each day do something that only benefits you! (Meditate, pray, write, exercise, get a spa treatment, take a dance or language class, read outside etc.) (Do not: go numb and watch tv or sleep for this hour! This is self-improvement to improve your-self love! Try this for a month!) 
3. Wake up every morning and look in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are inside and out! This little girl is probably the best example of how to start your day!
4. Ask your best friends/family members to tell you your best qualities and why you are friends! Examples and stories are great, too! 
5. Make it a point to go out and be social without any expectations of meeting someone! This is for you to have fun! 

Having Faith in Love Homework: 

1. Write down a list of your love goals. (Finding your soul-mate, getting married, having kids, etc.) 
2. Name ten people who have been able to achieve the goals you mentioned above! (Blair is happily married, Emma is totally in love! etc.) (This will help you realize your goals are POSSIBLE!) 
3. Read your love goals out loud in present tense once a day until you really start to believe that they will happen. (e.g. I have a soul mate, I am happily married, I have 3 healthy children etc.) 
4. Pray, meditate, read your preferred religious or spiritual book, attend church or class at whatever spiritual center you are comfortable going to, get back into believing. 
5. Walk the talk. Once you know what you want and believe it will happen, don’t shy away from questions like “Are you interested in marriage” they come up a lot and the typical answer is a hesitated “I don’t know” or just “no.” That was the old you that was too scared to say “YES!”  Now, calmly say “yes” and own the fact that you are ready to love and be loved with the right person!