Social Media Stalking – the Good, the Bad, the Ugly

Social media stalking – whether you admit it or not, we are all guilty of a quick (or sometimes not so quick) Google search, Facebook/Instagram/Twitter creep session after or even sometimes before meeting a guy. This has become extremely normal given that several generations are all on social media putting their lives out there for anyone to see. Usually we don’t think twice about getting someone’s phone number then adding them on social media, it’s actually a great way to stay connected, reconnect with old friends and even meet new friends. But, when it comes to dating, how should social media be used? When does it go from innocent “add” on Facebook to a full-blown investigation on the new man in your life? It’s time to face reality and go through the pros and cons of internet stalking.

THE GOOD – I am an avid user of several different social media sites and apps and I really love how the world is more connected because of them. When it comes to meeting new people and/or dating it actually has several benefits. The most important for me is safety. If you meet a guy on a dating app or just randomly at a bar it’s always nice to have a bit of a background check to see what this guy is about. I’m not saying this technique is fool-proof, but you can get an idea of what types of interests he has and see if there is anything that may seem a little off to you. Because so many of us post our daily thoughts online it can be a great way to know a little bit more about someone before you meet in person. As always, I highly recommend that blind dates take place in public and that the guy doesn’t know where you live. It’s just safer to get to know him better before disclosing too many details. On a less serious note, it’s also a nice way to see if you have friends or hobbies in common. Dating apps like Tinder are actually connected through Facebook so you actually get to see this information right when you are swiping left or right! If you have friends in common you can suggest going out as a group which is always fun, or if you see that you both love paddle boarding that’s an awesome idea for a first or second date. It also gives you a little more to talk about when you are on your first few dates, if you are both avid Game of Throne watchers (like me!) you automatically have something new to talk about and it’s an easy conversation starter for the both of you.

THE BAD – Okay, so we have to remember that what we see on social media isn’t actually real life. Usually we only post pictures when we look our best, are doing something really fun (like vacation) or the pictures are altered with filters and we look “Instagram Hot.” This usually isn’t what we look like (at least it’s not what I usually look like, ha!) and it doesn’t include the less exciting events in our day-to-day like work and laundry. So, when you do too much stalking you start to get your expectations up of the guy and when you get to know him you are let down that his life isn’t as fabulous as the three vacations he took last year and posted about on Instagram. It’s fairly normal, you see all of these amazing things, you start to make up a story in your head and then it turns out his story is nothing like his news feed. Usually, it’s better to get to know somebody’s life through their own words and actions. You may be making assumptions about him or his life that just aren’t true, which is not fair to the guy. Also, it’s a bit creepy when he wants to show you a picture of his family or his dog and you’ve already seen them all and know everyone’s name, birthday and occupation. Remember, it’s not cute to be creepy. 🙂

THE UGLY – When you’ve already done your astrology compatibility chart with a guy you met once (or never) it starts to become a little stalker-ish. This is when you know TOO much information about him and you are focusing too much time and energy on someone who isn’t you! Remember, we always want to better ourselves and when we start to focus on someone else it takes time away from our own personal development. Stalking people for hours does not come from a place of power. You are putting this guy on a pedestal when the one who needs to be on a pedestal is you! When you’ve read every tweet he’s posted since 2004, you are treading on thin ice to lose yourself and any opportunity of having a normal healthy relationship with the guy. While it’s good to be informed, it’s better to meet him and ingest information about him at a natural pace. You have all of the time in the world to get to know him later if the relationship continues, plus you are far too busy with your own life to be worrying so much about his.

Here are a few guidelines to know when you are crossing the line: 

1. Is it after midnight? If so, turn off your phone and go to bed!
2. Have you been creeping for more than 15 minutes? If so, Time to sign off!
3. Do you know his birthday or his mother’s name? You know too much!
4. Have you seen more than 50 pictures? Shut it down!
5. Did you screenshot a photo he did not personally send you? Erase!

 

 

He’s Perfect on Paper, but He’s Not for Me.

The “Perfect on Paper”(POP) man. He’s not as rare as we think he is. We probably have him or several men like him in our lives, but we never think of him in a romantic way because he’s most likely in the friend zone. Sometimes, women even force themselves to try him out and date him, but he’s just TOO perfect. For whatever reason, that’s a turn off to a lot of women. If you meet a “POP” you may say things like, “Ugh, he’s just SO nice,” “He bought me flowers, AGAIN,” “He calls/texts me everyday, I’m feeling suffocated!”

A “POP” usually has his life together. He has a degree, or several degrees, a great job, a great relationship with his family, the perfect apartment, the perfect dog, he treats you well, always checks-in, is a very considerate of your feelings, brings you soup when you are sick and on and on… Personally, this sounds great to me! I love POPs and find the stability of a POP very comforting. Now, there have been POPs who I just haven’t been interested in and just because of the fact that they are really nice and amazing guys I’ve given the relationship a chance, but all of my efforts were to no avail.

Sometimes these “good guys” seem so rare that women feel obligated to date them because they are “relationship guys” or “marriage material.” Now, I have a few theories of why things don’t always work out with these guys. However, just because a guy is very nice and seems “perfect” does not mean that you have to date him. I want to put that out there first, but I also believe some women automatically reject these men because they themselves are scared of commitment or how real a relationship could be with a real life POP.

Let’s start with the commitment-phobes. Okay, you may not actually be diagnosed with commitment-phobia, but because you’ve gone out with so many guys who say they aren’t looking for a relationship you just never expect to be in one. Then, when a POP comes along you don’t know how to accept his nice treatment or how to commit to a monogamous relationship when the time comes. The whole thing makes you feel uncomfortable and you blame it on the poor POP. Usually this fear comes in when the relationship starts to feel real and when you start to get used to having someone to lean on. Maybe you’ve been single for a while and you are so used to being independent that depending on someone else for emotional support terrifies you or maybe you think you’ll get used to that support and it’ll get snatched away so why even bother? If you find yourself in this position all you need to do is ask yourself if you are afraid of what comes with being in a relationship? If so, why? Or are you simply not that into this particular guy? Yes, so much stability can seem boring, but trust me a guy who calls you every three days may seem exciting until you get married and he disappears for days at a time. That excitement will wear off quickly.

Now, if you do find yourself dating a POP, do NOT try to force things just because you know that he is a nice person. First of all, POPs are not puppies. It is simply not fair for you to waste a man’s time just because you are hoping you can work things out and force yourself to fall in love with him. He is a man, probably a very smart man and will eventually catch on to the fact that you are just toying with him because you are bored or lonely or both. We as women should  not go “hunting” for men and try and trap the first person we can to marry us. This is very disempowering and not what love or relationships are about. I see this happening all of the time and it breaks my heart because at the end of the day, neither person in a forced relationship will be happy. You will not be truly happy if you are not in love and the guy will not have the love and respect he deserves and could have with another woman.

*On a side note, I don’t want to give POPs a bad reputation. They are also very exciting guys, especially because they are typically planners which means they’ll plan special moments or surprises for the two of you. They are also not men who can be easily manipulated or treated badly. They treat you with respect and expect to also be treated with respect. They are not actually perfect, this is why they are perfect ON PAPER. They have just as many flaws as the rest of us, but on paper, they have their lives “together.”

So, if you truly know a guy or a POP is not for you, don’t waste your time or waste his time. BUT if you are just too scared of the idea of being happy and having a real shot at your relationship, I’d say give it a try! What’s that Pringles’ commercial say? Once you POP, you can’t stop?! HA!

Have Faith.

Originally I had planned to write about something else today, but a friend inspired me when she texted me and said that she felt desperate about being single and had lost faith that she would ever find her soul mate. When she said that, I instantly knew how she felt. I remember going on a string of dates where I just wasn’t interested in anybody, or the times I dated guys I liked and it just not working out. Going out with my girlfriends and just not meeting anybody I liked, it gets frustrating. Some days you just think finding that person is almost as impossible as winning the lottery. And believe me, it’s a great analogy because when you do find that special someone,  you actually feel like you’ve won the lottery because you are SO happy! I know that millions of people go through this and start to give up on the idea that there really is a great match out there for them. So, today’s topic: HAVE FAITH! 

There are times when the dating pool can look desolate and you think that there aren’t any “good” single people left out there! That’s simply not true because if you are reading this you are probably single and you are also a great catch! So, that theory is dead because you exist! By having faith, I mean that you cannot give up on yourself or on your dreams of falling in love. Love is something far too important to give up on and so just like every other thing in life, it’s best to turn to something greater than ourselves. You don’t have to be a religious person, but if you are spiritual or believe in a higher being that means you already have some sort of blind faith. Now, it’s time to take that same faith and put your trust in whatever that higher being is for you and TRUST that the right person will come to you. They may not come to you in the exact shape or time frame you thought, but always know they are on their way. If you start to give up or believe otherwise, I guarantee you won’t ever meet anybody.

For that amazing person to come to you, you also have to be ready to receive love into your life. You have to be emotionally ready to receive a mature, loving and monogamous relationship. We all think that sounds easy, but so many times we block some of the most beautiful things that could be in our lives because we are simply too scared to accept them. Fear is the first thing that’s stopping you from the relationship you’ve always wanted. Fear that you’ll never have it, fear that once you get it you’ll lose it and worst of all fear that you don’t deserve it. We are all so scared of not having something, losing something or that we aren’t deserving of something that we scare ourselves into never actually going for it! It’s so much easier to say that you just haven’t found the one than admitting that you are so terrified of putting yourself out there and exposing your vulnerabilities that you never gave anyone the chance to get close enough to you to fall in love with you. It’s easier to block any potential of a real relationship with excuses of timing or distance than to jump into a relationship and risk the chance of having your heart-broken. Lastly, it’s much much much easier to assume nobody out there would love you because if someone else loves you that means you are deserving and that you also love yourself.

We are all deserving of love. We just have to step up to the plate and really start to believe it. Without that shift in perception, nothing in your life or your relationship status will change. Love from a partner won’t come to you until you truly love yourself. So how can we start to love ourselves more and have a little more faith? I was hoping you’d ask! 

Self-love Homework:

1. Write 5 things you love about yourself! (Anything! This should be easy!) 
2. For one hour each day do something that only benefits you! (Meditate, pray, write, exercise, get a spa treatment, take a dance or language class, read outside etc.) (Do not: go numb and watch tv or sleep for this hour! This is self-improvement to improve your-self love! Try this for a month!) 
3. Wake up every morning and look in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are inside and out! This little girl is probably the best example of how to start your day!
4. Ask your best friends/family members to tell you your best qualities and why you are friends! Examples and stories are great, too! 
5. Make it a point to go out and be social without any expectations of meeting someone! This is for you to have fun! 

Having Faith in Love Homework: 

1. Write down a list of your love goals. (Finding your soul-mate, getting married, having kids, etc.) 
2. Name ten people who have been able to achieve the goals you mentioned above! (Blair is happily married, Emma is totally in love! etc.) (This will help you realize your goals are POSSIBLE!) 
3. Read your love goals out loud in present tense once a day until you really start to believe that they will happen. (e.g. I have a soul mate, I am happily married, I have 3 healthy children etc.) 
4. Pray, meditate, read your preferred religious or spiritual book, attend church or class at whatever spiritual center you are comfortable going to, get back into believing. 
5. Walk the talk. Once you know what you want and believe it will happen, don’t shy away from questions like “Are you interested in marriage” they come up a lot and the typical answer is a hesitated “I don’t know” or just “no.” That was the old you that was too scared to say “YES!”  Now, calmly say “yes” and own the fact that you are ready to love and be loved with the right person! 

Dress for the Man you Want, Not the Man you Have (or Don’t Have)

We’ve all heard the saying, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” and it makes sense in the corporate world. If you want to become CEO one day, you can’t show up in a t-shirt and jeans. (There are exceptions, of course) I believe this concept also makes sense in the dating world.

So many gals decide to dress…extremely inappropriately (this is me being polite) and then ask me or wonder why men don’t take them seriously. Well, just like someone who is looking to hire a new employee would expect the applicant to show up dressed appropriately for the interview men, who are looking to date you and not just have a one night stand with you, also look for a woman they can bring home to mom. If that woman is wearing basically nothing, guess what? The guy probably is very attracted to her, but isn’t taking her too seriously. Now, this does not mean you need to change who you are, your personal style or try to look like a housewife from the 1950’s, we want women to feel empowered and you don’t have to dress proactively to feel empowered! This does mean that the skirt you own that you can’t sit down in because you will basically be showing your birthday suit may need to get tossed out or donated.

Millions of women are celebrated for being sexy! And those women have mastered looking sexy and elegant at the same time.  It’s a great feeling to stop traffic when you are looking amazing! It’s an even better feeling to know that both men and women are admiring you, not gawking at you because you have left too little to the imagination. Did I mention that men typically like a little mystery? They see so many nearly naked girls online everyday, sometimes clothes are actually refreshing. Plus, it leaves them to wonder how you actually look naked… the build up is half the fun!

You can communicate your feminine energy by dressing with sophistication and grace, this will help you attract men who are on the same wavelength. Sometimes when women dress too scandalously, they give off the wrong vibe and end up attracting men who only care about getting into their pants. This can leave women feeling unfulfilled knowing that the man never had any intention of actually getting to know her.

Your clothes don’t define you, but they are a representation of what you want the world to see. Women who are confident about themselves and have self-love will respect themselves and portray it. Naturally, the men they attract will also love themselves and eventually fall for a woman for who she is, not just for her body. Any woman can attract a man with sex appeal, but not every woman is brave enough to put her true self out there, not just her skin.

On a personal note, my fiance teases me and says I dress like a nun. (No offense to the nuns!)  He’s obviously exaggerating, but he says he was so used to women showing so much skin that he was intrigued by me because I never have. He’s always said he is proud of  the fact that I am confident enough not to dress like a lot of girls and how I’m able to shine and look beautiful without attracting the wrong type of attention. Unfortunately, so many women show so much skin because they have low self-esteem and are trying to get attention anyway they can. It’s harder to be different and a bit more conservative, but in the end it pays off. Elegance and sophistication never goes out of style.

If you don’t believe me, just ask Carolina Herrera: Huffington Post , Vanity Fair(Spanish)

Some quick tips for dressing sexy not smutty (yes, smutty):

• If you are showing a lot of leg, keep it conservative on the top
• If you are showing a lot of cleavage, keep it conservative on the bottom
• If you have an open back, cover up the front
• If you feel uncomfortable, it’s probably best to change
• If you would avoid your friend’s parents, your own parents or someone you admire, change clothes
• If your clothes are so tight you can’t breathe or other body parts start coming out, buy a larger size or get a new outfit
• If people think you are going to a costume party and ask if you are Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman”… change
• If you have the words “Nip Slip” on the brain and you are concerned…change
• If fashion tape has an equal/similar ratio to the fabric of your dress… change
• If you are really confused, send us a picture!