Single Serenity

Photo credit:@Esteacostarubio

Many women make their relationship status an extremely stressful topic. Society doesn’t help either. When you are single people are always asking why you are still single. Then they begin to sing your praises. They tell you how smart and attractive and kind you are and then say that you’ll find the right person someday. Don’t worry this never changes, when you have a boyfriend they ask when the wedding is. When you are married they ask when the kids are coming and on and on. It never seems to be enough, which is why we all have to learn how to be happy now in the present.

Do you know what it feels like to be completely happy with yourself, your life and your surroundings as they are currently? It’s finding the satisfaction in the now that will take you to the next level in your future. This doesn’t mean settling to being single forever, but it does mean having peace in your life no matter what. It means letting go of your relationship status and accepting the best parts of being single and the best parts of being you! 

Before you can possibly think about sharing your life with someone, think about what you are doing for yourself. How can you be happy with someone else if you aren’t in a serene and happy place while single? Ask yourself, am I spending enough time working on my body and my soul? What goals do I  have for myself long-term and short-term that I could start working on now? One of my goals had always been to start a blog/vlog about relationship advice. I put it off forever and finally after some amazing friends kept pushing me… here I am. Writing is good for my soul. Spinning is good for my body. These are just two of the things I love doing for myself. Nobody else reaps the benefits as much as me! The whole point of this blog is to help/inspire other women, but I guarantee you nobody gets more out of it than me. So, what can you do for yourself? My beautiful friend who so generously let me use her picture for this blog decided two years ago that she was going to start practicing yoga. It’s served her heart, soul, mind and body. It’s just one of the things she does to fulfill her life and because of everything she does to serve her soul, she only has room for the absolute best guy to come into her life. All of the other guys who aren’t worth it, never make it past the front door.

Being happy now starts with gratitude. Being grateful for what you have right this very minute will turn your day around. Sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed or stressed I look at the sky and take in a deep breath and I thank God I am still alive and breathing. Life is so amazing as it is, but you have to stop and remember that because it is very easy to fall off track. So many people didn’t make it to this day but you did, so say thank you and feel blessed because being alive is truly that, a blessing. Gratitude journals are also a great way to start and end your day. Every morning wake up and jot down three things you are grateful for at night write down three more. This can be running water, your mother, your new high thread count sheets that are helping you sleep better, anything you want! It’s okay to repeat things, our parents/family/friends are something we can be grateful for everyday! Soon, you’ll fill up a journal full of blessings. How amazing is that?

Remember that once in a relationship you do make sacrifices for the relationship and for your partner. Because love is such an amazing thing and you will only let yourself get into a healthy relationship you don’t feel the sacrifices as much. But, it’s important to remember that there is no rush to jump into a relationship just to be in one. It’s better to be single and truly at peace and in love with yourself and your life than in a bad relationship. Your single serenity will only help you in finding the right person because you will be in alignment with who you truly are and with what you truly want.

Namaste.

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

I can tell you from experience long distance relationships can be difficult, but they are not impossible. If you are considering dating someone who doesn’t live in your city or if you are just trying to find tips to make yours work, you have come to the right place. I have been in a VERY long distance relationship for more than two years and now we are getting married! (YAY!) Not only have we been in different cities, but different continents with cities that don’t have direct flights. This is even tougher because it takes a day just to see your loved one, but thanks to a lot of planning and commitment from both of us, we will finally be in what I like to call a “no distance” relationship.

Before you commit to someone who doesn’t live near you the first thing you need to do is make sure you are in a monogamous committed relationship! Some people start to “casually” date someone in a different city, but there is nothing casual about dating someone you can hardly see. I understand if you met a great guy on vacation and keep in touch, but if he isn’t avidly making an effort to see you and isn’t telling you that you are his girlfriend than I would keep my options open until that changes. Some men assume that you know that you guys are in a relationship, others who are more traditional may ask you to be in a relationship. So, if you have any doubt in your mind about your relationship status, just ask. Many people think this is awkward, but it’s much more awkward to find out he is seeing other people and assumed you knew that “thing” between you two wasn’t serious.

Once you know you are in  a long distance relationship, it is absolutely VITAL to always have a plan on when you will see each other next. This puts both you and your guy at ease, even if you won’t see each other for six weeks, I highly recommend already having transportation and a meeting point planned. My fiance and I had to go several weeks at a time without seeing each other because of our hectic work schedules, but at the end of our trip we would always start to plan the next time we’d meet. This keeps you motivated to keep a positive outlook on the relationship and always gives you something to look forward to. The worst thing is to not know if/when you’ll see each other. Your mind starts to play terrible tricks on you and can add even more stress on your relationship. When all of the travel starts to become too chaotic, try to do a trip somewhere new to spice things up. If you can afford staying in a hotel or  Airbnb for a romantic getaway  it’ll help both of you relax and get out of your usual rut. So, the moral of the story is to keep your word, stick to your plans as much as possible and try to meet in new places whenever possible.

Technology has changed the way we date and has even broadened who we can date. Now, you can Skype, FaceTime, Viber etc. with someone anywhere in the world as long as they have a decent WIFI connection. When you are in a long distance relationship communicating on a daily basis is absolutely key to staying connected as a couple.  Obviously, the best thing would be able to see each other in person or “real life,” but coming home after a long day and being able to sit and video chat is the next best thing. It helps to actually see the other person and know their surroundings, it makes you feel like you are home with them. Texting occasionally or a quick chat throughout the day is also very important. In a “no distance” relationship, you would probably touch base during the day once or twice so do the same in a long distance relationship. Personally, I think talking on the phone can actually make you closer because you have to communicate with your partner and you talk about things that may have not come up if you were physically together. So many times we are distracted by our smart phones or watching shows together that you don’t have as many deep conversations as you do in a long distance relationship, so in that sense it can be a huge plus!

After you have been dating for a while, it’s normal to want to know where things are headed. In a long distance relationship having a long-term plan on how you two will be together will be the glue that holds the relationship together. If you live in New York and he lives in L.A. you both have to decide whether someone is making the move across the country or if maybe you both want a fresh start in a new city. Either way, it’s smart to start researching your job industry and that city and whether you can really see yourself moving there. You also have to decide under what circumstances you would move. This is a very personal decision. Would you only move if you were getting married? Would you be willing to move to try living together? These are decisions only you can make. Before you pack your bags, quit your job and change your entire life make sure that the relationship is headed in the direction you both want it to and that you’ve had all of these conversations and made these decisions as a couple. If you willing to move to his city and your guy says he would never ask you to do that or isn’t thinking about marriage then I would stay put until the two of you are on the same page. Men are usually very direct and will tell you what they want or don’t want. You need to do what is best for you and ensure that you are not giving up your entire life for a guy who won’t be willing to commit down the road. If you decide to get married then happy house hunting!

Lastly, just like any relationship a long distance relationship involves sacrifice.  If the person is worth it and you think you two really have a shot at something great then it is absolutely worth it. Many of my friends have had successful long distance relationships that turned into solid marriages. If both people are putting in the effort it takes than you can absolutely make it work. If you are the only one putting in the effort and traveling, than he’s probably not the guy for you. Don’t ever sacrifice yourself for someone who isn’t willing to make sacrifices for you. But, if you do find a great guy who is going the distance for you it’s definitely worth a shot!

 

Five Step Guide to Getting Over an Ex

No matter what the circumstances, breakups are emotionally draining for all of us. It takes time to heal and to mourn the loss of any relationship, but there are some healthy steps you can take to help you get over your ex a little faster and come out stronger and wiser in the end.

Before following any of these steps, I think it’s important for you to reflect on why you broke up on the first place. Don’t dwell on these things forever, but make a short list on why things between you two didn’t work out. This will serve as a reminder for you to not try to get back into a broken relationship. If you look at your list and realize that you two broke up for no reason, stop reading this post, pick up the phone to grab a cup of coffee with your ex perhaps soon to be “non-ex.”

For those of you ready to move on… listen up.

Step # 1: Out of Sight, Out of Mind. This seems extremely obvious, but most people are hesitant to follow through with this very important step. It can be heart wrenching to take all of his pictures out of the frames and take the stuffed animal he gave you off of your bed, but believe me this is absolutely necessary. Anything at all that reminds you of him, hide it, throw it away or donate it. The best way to clear his energy from your space is to get all of his stuff out. If he has things at your house, get a box and pack them up for him to pick up while you are not home. I typically throw everything away that cannot be donated. Not everyone can part with or delete their “memories” with their ex, but believe me they can’t ever be erased from your mind. So, if you have a movie stub from your first date, put it in the recycle bin and move forward. If this still feels too difficult, put it all in a box and ask your parents/friends to keep it at their house. This way, if there’s something you think you’ll really want to look at later, it’ll be there. I guarantee you, you will move on to a better relationship and forget about the stuff that was once meaningful. Next time you want to think of that movie or past time you will  be in a much better place and you can look back with a smile on your face. For now, it’s time to clear all of the stuff out and look towards your future.

Step 2: Set Communication Boundaries. If you are texting or talking on the phone everyday, you haven’t exactly broken up. This can cause a lot of grief in the future because one of you thinks the relationship still has hope and the other starts seeing other people and inevitably you get hurt all over again. You broke up for a reason (see short list you wrote) which means although you still care for each other you should not be communicating frequently. Personally, I prefer not to speak at all until I have no feelings for the person. A clean break has always served me very well and the people who can do it also get over their ex much quicker because you automatically start filling up your time with things for yourself and for your future, but if this seems too hard tell your ex you’d like to still communicate via e-mail/phone once a week (AT THE MOST). After a month or two, make this less and less. If you don’t set boundaries, once a week will turn into twice a week and that will turn into daily conversations via text etc. and believe me, you will never get over him. If you continue to allow him back into your life he will always pop up right at the moment you’ve just about moved on and emotionally it can set you back months. If you don’t think you have the discipline to stick to the once a week rule, try a clean break or as a last resort block him on your phone, e-mail, social media etc. until you’ve had enough time to heal and get over him.

Step #3: Give Yourself a Reasonable Deadline. Deadlines can be extremely helpful when you are trying to get over someone. It’s normal to cry and not exercise or not want to be social for a certain period of time, but if you don’t snap out of it you will have a much harder time enjoying being single and you won’t be emotionally ready to get into a new relationship when the time comes. Everyone takes breakups differently, but if you can give yourself 3 days to cry, two weekends to not go out and just relax and only miss a few weeks at the gym you will be able to lift yourself back up in no time. The faster you can get yourself back into your routine, the faster you will start to feel better and realize there is an entire world out there to enjoy. Millions of people to meet and millions of reasons to be happy. Be grateful for what you have learned in your relationship and the many great memories you made and remember that the next one will  be even better. Take what you loved about this person and know that someone else will also have those amazing qualities and much much more! The next person will be even more compatible with you, so the sooner you can cry it out and get back into swing of things, the sooner you’ll be able to meet a better match.

Step #4: Filling your Time with Something New. When you’ve been in a long-term relationship for several months or years you don’t realize how much time you actually spent with your partner. The two of you had a routine, so after a break-up it’s normal to feel a void. This is a great opportunity to fill those gaps of time with new activities and hobbies you can do by yourself or with friends. Between work, family and errands you don’t always have a ton of time to spend on yourself especially when you have a partner. One of the most enjoyable parts of a breakup is when you realize you have time to try those things you never made time for before. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn a new language, take ballroom dancing, try yoga for the first time, go for a hike every Sunday morning! It can be anything you want that will add to your life! If you don’t know where to start try anything once and keep going to new classes with friends or alone until you find something you really love. The most important part of this is that you try something new and that you’re doing it solely for yourself. New activities force you to meet new people and get a new perspective on life. Things that involve learning and exercising also put you in a better mood because you are improving on yourself. And who doesn’t love a little self-improvement?

Step #5: Put yourself back on the market. It’s the last step and it can feel a bit scary, but if you followed steps 1-4 you will get back into the dating scene in no time. At this point, you are not emotionally attached to your ex,  you don’t feel dependent on them and you don’t feel the need to speak to them weekly. At this point, you should feel completely free and single. If you don’t, maybe you need a little more time before putting yourself out there. But, if you do then start going out with your friends and have fun meeting new people! Talk to your friends to see if they know anyone they can set you up with, if online dating interests you then set up a profile! This should be a fun experience because you are a new and improved version of yourself. The possibilities of meeting a great guy are endless and you are smarter, stronger and more independent than you were before. Now, you know what you want in a relationship. You know that you can survive heart break and that a breakup isn’t the end of the world. It’s only the beginning of something new.